2004-04-06 - 7:35 a.m.
Attack Laurel Job Posting
"In a rapidly deteriorating state of inauthenticity, we have to stay a step ahead." The Grand Secret Council of Laurels (GSCL) is looking for rabid "talent" to help with its mission to destroy anything and everything post-1600 (1650 in some Kingdoms - check your local customs) at SCA events to uphold the standards of authenticity that have made the SCA and the Laurels the world-respected institution they are today. Stop laughing. We need you and your insanely exacting standards to apply for the new and exciting position of Attack Laurel so we can expand our Dark Dominion over all living things that happen to have a passing interest in pre-1600 (see previous note) history. GSCL - A short history
No-one knows exactly when the GSCL formed, but rumour has it that an ancient Laurel who was hideously deformed in a freak costuming accident decided that he/she/it had a grudge against the Society and vowed to have its revenge. How that evolved into the fine and upstanding institution of total and unforgiving authenticity GSCL is today, we have no idea. But it makes a good story for Council retreats. GSCL - Today
The GSCL is structured to respond to any and all reports of non-period items used at or near events, and to react according to the severity of the transgression through humiliation, judging, physical and mental abuse, and bribing the BoD to vote for total banishment or the death penalty (we haven't succeeded in putting anyone to death yet, but give us time). When you join the GSCL as an Attack Laurel, you will become part of a Secret Society of Dedicated Laurels. While members of the elite Attack Laurel squad can be found all over the world, we like to concentrate most of our efforts in the Continental United States, because honestly, you guys *suck* at this whole "living history" concept. Yes, we're talking to YOU. GSCL and You:
Don't just research history - enforce it on others! As an elite Attack Laurel employed by the GSCL, you will have the rare opportunity to inflict real and lasting pain on lesser mortals while claiming it's for their own good. We need the SCA's most bitter and psychotic Laurels to join the GSCL team. If you are ready for a high-impact, maximum authenticity career, then the Attack Laurels are waiting for you! The GCSL Environment:
Fast paced
Sadistic
Entertaining
Violent
Team of world-class Laurels who will lull you into a false sense of security then pounce when you least expect it Site Locations:
Events
Business Meetings
Fighter Practices
Order Meetings (but not the ones announced ahead of time - if you seem to fit the bill, you'll get an "invitation") So, You Want To Be An Attack Laurel? Please fill out the following application form. When you are finished, scrunch the form up into a little tiny ball and flush it down the drain. Our Super Secret Sewer Network of Apprentices[tm pending] will find it and bring it to us. If we think you might be dangerous enough to fill our needs, we'll contact you. NOTE: If you are an apprentice, turn this form in to a Laurel IMMEDIATELY. If you are discovered with this form, you will join your fellow disobedient apprentices in the sewer. You have been warned. Section 1. Background Information Name (include all titles, even the ones you got in other "historical" organizations):
Kingdom of Residence (include local group and any offices held):
Area of Expertise (use back of form if neccessary - and it'd better be extensive, if you want to be one of us):
Education (Laurel level required, but just make up real-life degrees, because no-one pays attention to them anyway): Section 2. Test Situations 1. You are at an event, and you have been asked to judge something you have no knowledge on. You should:
a) Tell the person running the competition you have no knowledge in the area you've been asked to judge.
b) Fumble your way through the documentation and write nice things on all the judging forms.
c) Fumble your way through all the documentation and write nasty things on all the judging forms.
d) Declare all the documentation invalid because if you don't know it, it must be wrong, then hunt down the entrant and shove the entry up their nostrils. 2. A fellow Laurel sees you giving a Pearl (or insert Kingdom A&S award of choice) the dressing-down they so obviously deserve, and tells you to be nicer to the next generation because "you're not displaying Peer-like behaviour". You:
a) Blush, and look ashamed, and promise never to do it again.
b) Explain that it wasn't what it seemed, and resolve to behave better in future.
c) Explain that it wasn't what it seemed, and resolve to be sneakier in future.
d) Lock them both in a porta-pottie until they apologize for questioning your all-knowing wisdom. 3. A random person walks up to you and asks you if you know anything about a particular historical artifact within your area of "expertise". You have never heard of this thing, though you should have. You:
a) Admit that you've never heard of the artifact, and ask for information - Laurels are always learning!
b) Bluff.
c) Admit you don't know anything about the artifact, question the person closely to get all their information, kill them and hide the evidence, then write a long scholarly article for Tournaments Illuminated pretending the dead person's research is your own. 4. A Pearl (see previous note) runs up to you and breathlessly informs you that there's a person at "troll" wearing the most awful polyester ensemble they've ever seen, and can you do something about it? You:
a) Tell the Pearl that the polyester-wearer might be completely new, and that "we give everyone the benefit of the doubt. After all, we don't want to hurt anyone's feelings".
b) Tell the Pearl that the polyester-wearing dork is probably just a Renfaire refugee who will disappear soon enough, so just ignore them.
c) Tell the Pearl to take care of it themselves - you can't fight all their battles for them, and if they ever use the word "troll" again, you won't elevate them to Laurel.
d) Set the polyester-wearing ingrate on fire and tell them they're "crushing your dream", then tell the Pearl that if they ever use the word "troll" again, the same thing will happen to them. Section 3. Previous Experience Have you made an A&S entrant cry in the last year?
a) Yes, but I'll never do it again.
b) Yes, but they were oversensitive.
c) Yes, but they were weak underlings undeserving of any mercy. Have you trashed at least three Laurel candidates in the past year?
a) Yes, but they weren't ready yet, and I wouldn't call it "trashing".
b) Yes, but only in meetings.
c) Yes, in meetings and on the e-mail list.
d) Yes, in meetings, on e-mail, to the Crowns, in person, and to anyone who will listen, because the candidates sucked. Are you a published researcher? If yes, where have you published?
a) Respected Museum Journal.
b) On-line Journal not associated with the SCA.
c) Tournaments Illuminated.
d) Kingdom/Arts newsletter.
e) Quoted in "Lord Dipsy Doodle's Quotes Heard At The Pennsic War", Unofficial incipient canton (suspended) newsletter. Section 4. Benefits and Salary Attack Laurels are exempt employees - exempt from prosecution, exempt from punishment, and certainly exempt from following the rules of polite society. If those aren't enough benefits for you, think of the ego-boosting effects of making other people crumple into a sobbing heap on a regular basis! You will be feared! You will be respected! You will be all-powerful! Muahahahahaha!!!! *ahem* Healthcare benefits will not be provided because we *really* can't afford the high-risk insurance. Salary is based on whatever you can take from other people. At most events this shouldn't be a problem, since in your capacity as an authenticity god, you will be able to take people's wallets and modern money, because they "aren't period". The same goes for cars. To avoid ugly fights, only one or two Attack Laurels will be assigned per event (depending on size), so you are assured of raking in the dough. Merchants displaying the special Grand Secret Council sign are excused from handing over all their cash and non-period items as they've already paid a hefty sum to the Grand Poobah Laurel and the GPL will make Attack Laurels look like helpless little kittens in comparison to what he/she/it will do to you if you get in the way of the steady flow of bribe money. Thank you for applying to be an Attack Laurel. We'll keep your resume on file until the day you are randomly kidnapped and brought before the Grand Council. Until then, keep crushing those souls - we're watching you!
Dorsal - Ventral
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