2004-12-02 - 8:50 a.m.
Dah nah nah nah nah nah... you say it's your birthday....
Happy birthday to me! It has been a fine birthday so far: I have come in to at least two crises at work (which I'm studiously avoiding), and at least one ear infection! I am working very hard on an ingrown toenail so that the other end of my body can join in the fun, but so far, it seems to all be localized around my head. Happy neuralgia to me. You know, I have no problem being 35 (except insofar as the silly game I play driving home from work where if I go under a bridge while a train is crossing, I have to count the letter L on license plates until I reach the same number as my age has increased by one). Other people seem to have issues with this aging thing, but not me. I don't dye my hair to get rid of the grey (it's been going grey since I was 18), I do it because I like my hair red rather than deep brown. I don't freak out about wrinkles (thought the soap has made my skin dewy and soft, and people frequently forget how old I am), and I don't wear tons of makeup unless I feel like it. I have one brown spot on the back of my left hand, and I would call it an age spot, except that I've had it since I was 20. My hands look their age, but I'm okay with that - between weight loss and the number of things they've been through, I'm grateful they don't look 20 years older than the rest of me. I have no upper arm sag (thank you, fencing). I have minimal wrinkles on my face (and what I do have is mostly laugh lines). My life is better now than it's ever been. I have everything I've ever wanted. I have enough projects to keep me busy for the next ten years. I have adroitly skipped the hurdle of "when-are-you-going-to-have-kids?". I love being 35. I never want to go back to high school. High school for me was insecurity, depression, and an endless series of crushes on guys who thought I was icky (there was one guy who had a crush on me, but he never told me, and I didn't find out until he moved away, darn it. He was kind of cute). I was never an athletic star, I was never good enough for anything but bit parts in plays (good enough to get past just being "chorus", not cute or good enough to be the star). I liked to dance, but who wants to watch a hippo dance? My twenties (especially my early twenties) were marked by massive insecurity, enthusiasm untempered by tact, and bad relationship mistakes. Plus, I ballooned up to almost 200 pounds. I remember the first half of my twenties through a haze of misery and depression. My late twenties were okay, but I was too young to have influence, and too old to be forgivably new. An awkward age, spent finding myself and re-working many of the parts of my behaviour so that I could be a better person (it's easier to be a better person if you aren't miserable all the time). I spent the second half of my twenties learning to look outward rather than inward, and it took some time to become good at it. But my thirties - wow. It's been amazing. I'm happy, I look and feel good (arm pain notwithstanding, I feel good about myself and the things I've accomplished), I feel like I have a positive effect on most of the people I know. I've made some grown-up choices, I'm working at a job that helps other people, and I have the bestest husband in the WHOLE WIDE WORLD. Oh, yes a very happy birthday to me.
Dorsal - Ventral
Funnier than me: James Lileks disclaimer!
all words copyright Laura Mellin 2000-2005
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