2005-02-22 - 9:21 a.m.
Horrors!
La. I am here. The cough is getting better, even without the duct tape. The weekend was nice, though I tend to spend too much money when left to my own devices - though I do consider English sweets and fun antiques to be essentials, so I can justify spending it all. No, really. No? Well, it is *my* money. And the sweets are very good. We saw "Constantine" on Saturday night, and I thought it was very entertaining, but I have low expectations when it comes to movies, so it pretty much has to be a blatant chick flick for me to dislike it. (Can't stand those weepy "Bridges of Saccharine County"-type flicks. They make my teeth itch.) It's funny, but Keanu Reeves is actually a lot more animated and funny when he's *not* acting. In interviews, he seems closer to the character in "Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure" than to his later movie roles. I wish more of that came through in "Constantine", because it had some genuinely good moments that would have been better with a little world-weary humour injected into them. I liked the movie - don't get me wrong - especially the weird Swedish guy that played Satan (he's a character actor that usually plays bad guys, and he's normally pretty twisted, but he's INSANE in this movie; it's some great stuff). The premise was fun, there was a nice teeny-tiny twist at the end, and Tilda Swinton is *such* a freak, it's fun to watch. Even Rachael Weisz was okay. Tangent: Do you ever get that thing where you *know* you know the person's name, but for the life of you, you can't call it to mind? We had that happen for the first half-hour of the movie with Rachael Weisz's name, and it was *killing* me, especially since I have watched "The Mummy" many times. I had the same thing happen a few days ago when I tried to remember Garth Brooks' name. All I could remember was that stupid alter-ego character he made up; Chris Gaines. Boy, was that a stupid career move. Anyway - that name amnesia happens to me all the time. It's as if the act of asking the name erases it from my mind; a second before the question, I knew it, but as soon as I need to remember it, I'm screwed. Anyway. The movie was good - if you like that sort of thing. If you're one of those stuffy people that demands a plot with logic and no gaping holes that four demons in a humvee could drive through, then this is not the movie for you. If, on the other hand, you like sarcastic people, decent special effects, and the sight of Los Angeles in a firestorm, this sucker's pretty entertaining. I found myself wondering odd things thorughout the movie, though - such as *why* did Keanu's apartment (nice loft apartment, btw; demon-hunting pays better than it looks) have huge bottles of water lining the walls (the carboy kind you get for water coolers)? Did he get a discount at "Holy Water R Us (All Your Liquid Needs From Now Until Judgement Day)"? I did like the fact that he rarely gets through a scene without lighting a cigarette, though - in California, that takes some real dedication, since you can't smoke *anywhere*, least of all in bars. And he was *almost* cynical enough to be cool - something he desperately needs to do to recover from "Matrix: Round and Round and ROUND We Go". Like I said, I liked it. I likes me a good anti-hero. I even likes me a decent female anti-hero, and though Ms. Weisz is not as kick-buttingly entertaining as Milla Jovovich, she's pretty entertaining (and while you don't *quite* get to see nipples, there is a bit where she's sopping wet and smoking from a trip to hell (don't ask), her blouse is unbuttoned, and she's clearly wearing a see-through black bra. Cheesecake. Where would we be without it? And it was actually pretty tastefully done; I approve of horror movies where there is no sex scene, and barely any suggestion of sexual interest between the protagonists. Tilda Swinton doesn't count, because she looks like a boy (which is sort of the point), so the weird white bondage/straightjacket dealie she has on at the end of the movie, while probably alluring on someone else, just looks creepy. ...Though that may have been the point there, too. But really - go see it. It gets started pretty fast, and though it gets talky here and there (as did "Hellboy"), the action progresses in a smooth and comfortable arc, with few useless bits (always a plus - I hate being shown something that appears to have significance, then have it not be mentioned at all for the remainder of the film), and plenty of fun special effects. It's got a little religion (Catholics are fun!), a bit of voodoo posturing, some cool demon bits, excellent wings, and a nice cameo by the guy who played the crazy man in "Identity" as a psychic priest who kicks the bucket in an interestingly awful but pretty non-gory way. I like my horror movies with an R rating; while there wasn't too much violence for the subject, it allowed the movie to be a lot more grown-up in its approach compared to the slew of PG-13 horror-wannabes that rely on cats jumping out of closets (it's always cats, isn't it? I guess no-one gets scared when a big Labrador jumps out and starts licking you to death) and silly music to scare you. Okay, I love horror movies. "Constantine" was like "Prophecy"'s obnoxious younger brother (not as subtle, more attention-seeking), but that's not a bad thing, since I consider "Prophecy" one of the better religious-themed horror movies ever made (the one with Christopher Walken and Virginia Madsen, not the one with the beastie in the woods and Talia Shire), even though the sequels sucked rocks. What other horror movies have I loved? Well, I'd have to divide them into Good and Bad - Good being well-made, scary, elegant movies, and Bad being the ones that are silly and obnoxious, but you love them anyway. A small sampling of my favourites: Good:
**John Carpenter's The Thing - very faithful to the original novella (written in the 1950's - I think - and creepy!), and the best movie he ever made (I love most of the others, but they mostly fall into the Bad category).
**Halloween (the second best movie John Carpenter ever made) - genuinely creepy.
**Prophecy - Interesting theological debate with Satan.
**Event Horizon - what Hellraiser 4 should have been.
**Hellraiser - the first one was almost unbearable to watch.
**28 Days Later - intensely English. Bad:
**Night of the Demons - perhaps one of the worst-acted movies I've ever seen, but terribly funny for all that.
**John Carpenter's Vampires - I love James Woods. Very funny.
**They Live - also John Carpenter (notice the trend?), and an early effort that blends horror and humor well enough for me to enjoy the movie multiple times.
**Prince of Darkness - JC again - this time, trying to throw some scary religion stuff into the mix. Memorable for Alice Cooper's turn as a crazy homeless guy, and the "transmissions from the future" (that are now 6 years past gone).
**You've Got Mail - Just kidding.
Dorsal - Ventral
Funnier than me: James Lileks disclaimer!
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