2005-03-02 - 11:29 a.m.
Yum! Aspartame!
To clarify... I am not going sugar free to lose weight. I am doing it for health reasons completely unrelated to my weight, but fairly severe (but not in the least life-threatening) symptoms of an annoying and restricting nature. To fix things, which have not improved with repeated attempts at medicating the modern science way, I am now trying the more touchy-feely holistic way. Those of you who know me well, feel free to laugh up a lung now. I am decidedly *not* a homepathic/chakras/acupuncture/feng shui/natural medicines kind of person. I have a usually firm faith in the wonders of modern medicine. But the modern medicine, she let me down. I have not been able to fix things the doctor way, so I'm branching out into supplements and an insanely restrictive diet that allows meat, vegetables, and a small amount of sugar-free stuff, but no vinegar, cheese, or fruit (and you know, all the gluten stuff I've been avoiding anyway). Oh, and enough supplements to choke a horse. I *hate* taking pills. Especially big ones. The mere act of trying to swallow something that size makes me feel sick. We'll see how long the 17 pills a day regime lasts. The diet should only have to go for a month or two, then I'll be back to my usual french-fry eating cynical self. I feel odd, eating a calorie restricted ('cause it's hard to eat stuff) diet when I really don't need to lose weight. It seems wrong, somehow, like the anorexic girl I knew in high school who was always on a diet, and given to saying things like "if I just lost five pounds, things would be perfect". The intial stage of the diet can lead to feeling kind of icky as the organism that's taken over dies off, but after that, I'm promised more energy, better skin, better overall health, and an expression on my face like the jelly bean creature in the Zoloft ads after it has taken the Zoloft. We'll see. I just want to get rid of some of the more immediate symptoms, which include constant fatigue. Seriously - I'm an early riser, have been for years, but lately, I've been sleeping in until 9:30am or later. I *never* do this. Though the falling asleep in meetings and classes was always an issue. It's the constant flow of sound - it's so soothing. But drool shorts out my keyboard, so I need more energy. If I sound cranky over the next few weeks, you'll know why. Sugar deprivation. I plan to use this explanation as my defense strategy when I finally snap and end up in jail. Then people can do interviews about me: "She always seemed so nice - well, okay, a little cranky sometimes, but I never thought she was capable of skinning a herald and trying to press him between the pages of the Howard County Phone book." or: "Just think - all of this could have been avoided if someone had just fed her a Snickers Bar." I could become Snickers' spokesmodel - it worked for Jared and Subway, why shouldn't it work for me? "Grab a Snickers - head off that homicidal rage before it starts."
Dorsal - Ventral
Funnier than me: James Lileks disclaimer!
all words copyright Laura Mellin 2000-2005
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