2006-08-25 - 11:10 a.m.
Nobody Knows What He's Really Thinking
A special Friday entry from Bob, who likes doing those customer satisfaction surveys they give you in stores, because he's never really satisfied until someone cries: 1.When was the last time you shaved?
As a member of an oppressed minority (men), I am forced by the conventions of an egalitarian society to shave everyday. Also, chicks dig it. 2. What is your favorite flavor of JELLO?
Swedish. 3.Do you enjoy looking at your myspace profile?
Regrettably, I can no longer bend over far enough to see my space at all, let alone in profile. 4. What does your favorite candle smell like?
Nightshade. 5. Are you any good at math?
Up to ten, yeah. 6. Are any of your great-grandparents still alive?
According to the Witness Protection Program, no. 7. When was the last time you spoke in front of a large group of people?
The last time I was ejected from a crowded movie theater. Stupid ushers. 8. Who should get number one on People magazine's sexiest list?
I think the sexiest list is the short one for Supreme Court Justice, but I'm biased because I'm not on it. 9. What is one of your favorite things to do when it's cold outside?
Burn books. 10. What is one of your favorite things to do when it's hot outside?
Glue carbonized books back together. 11. What was the last TV show you watched?
As opposed to ate? 12. Do you have any famous ancestors?
Adam and Eve. 13. Do you sleep with the door to your room open or closed?
My room has no doors. 14. Do you have a secret identity?
Uh, no...but I'd ask that you not show my picture around Bangkok. 15. Have you ever sniffed magic markers?
Only the ones that sniffed me first. 16. What was one of your favorite toys as a child?
Ronco's Big Bag o'Glass. 17. Are you good at cooking anything in particular?
PCP, but I had to give that up. Stupid parole officers. 18. Do you have any injuries right now?
No. Wait a minute... AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! 18. Do you have any injuries right now?
Yes. 19. Do you have a credit card?
Many. Some even have *my* name on them. 20. Have you ever taken out a loan to pay for school?
No, but I did have to pawn some stuff. Not any of *my* stuff, but, you know, stuff. 21. Do you know the words to the song on your myspace profile?
It sounds familiar, but the echo is throwing me off. 22. Do you have DSL, cable or dialup?
I have a belly button (who the hell are you writing this for?) 23. Do you ever leave messages on people's answering machines/voice mail?
Not that anyone has ever been able to prove. 24. Have you ever wanted to look like someone else?
Just during the manhunt. 25. What's your favorite frozen treat?
That guy they found in the Alps. 26. Are you an organized person?
This is pretty insulting. Just cause I'm Italian doesn't mean I'm a made guy. You might wanna be more careful in da future. 27. Do you think you have an OCD about anything?
Not since the Excommunication.
28. Who did you lose your CONCERT virginity too?
The Beatles (yes, I'm that old). 29. What are your guilty pleasures?
They're actually more nollo contedere pleasures. (look it up) 30. Are you a fast reader?
I'm already on Question #35. 31. Have you ever put "yes please" by sex on something you had to fill out?
Yes, and I almost wasn't allowed to take the bar exam as a result. 32. Have you ever vandalized anything?
Yes. Sorry about your car. And house. Oh, and the dog. 33. Are you afraid or bothered by something that others find strange?
Yes, bad grammar.
34. Do you draw your name in the sand when you go to the beach?
Did you know that that's a crime in Ocean City, Maryland ? Or did you mean with a stick? 35. Do you use Twizzlers as straws?
No, the cocaine tends to clump in them. 36. What's the most painful dental procedure you've had?
For myself, a root canal. There was a tooth extraction that severely injured a bystander, tho. 37. Can you name all 50 states?
Alabama, Alaska, Arizona, Arkansas, California, Colorado, Connecticut, Delaware, Florida, Georgia, Hawaii, Idaho, Illinois, Indiana, Iowa, Kansas, Kentucky, Louisiana, Maine, Maryland, Massachusetts, Michigan, Minnesota, Mississippi, Missouri, Montana, Nebraska, Nevada, New Hampshire, New Jersey, New Mexico, New York, North Carolina, North Dakota, Oklahoma, Oregon, Pennsylvania, Rhode Island, South Carolina, South Dakota, Tennessee, Texas, Utah, Vermont, Virginia, Washington, West Virginia, Wisconsin, Wyoming.
Yes. 38. Is there a celebrity that you would like to punch in the face?
Yes. Stupid restraining order. 39. Have you ever stepped on something sharp and had it go through your foot?
Cheddar cheese 40. Have you ever been stung by a jellyfish?
Yeah, and if you see that Mother F**ker, you tell he's a dead man! Dead, I say! 41. What's one of the dumbest home remedies that you've heard of?
Cutting off your nose to spite your face. 42. Have you ever saved anyone's life?
Yes, and he's never forgiven me. 43. Do you like what the ocean does to your hair?
The time it gave me a perm was pretty good. Mostly, no. 44. Have you ever received one of those big tins of 3 different kinds of popcorn for Christmas?
Well, thank you very much for reminding me of my second ex-wife. 45. Have you ever been to a planetarium?
A really great outdoor one in Arizona that's only open during the day. 46. Do you use a lot of salt?
Define "a lot". 47. Is your closet organized?
This is pretty insulting. Just cause my closet's Italian doesn't mean it's a made closet. You might wanna be more careful in da future. And hang that jacket up. 48. What is a funny sound to you?
One hand clapping. Got a cd of it; never fails to give me the giggles. 49. Have you ever been complimented on something other than your looks?
My cat-like reflexes. 50. Do you re-use towels after you shower?
Yes, and if you've ever had one of my special hors d'oeuvres, so have you.
Dorsal - Ventral
Funnier than me: James Lileks disclaimer!
all words copyright Laura Mellin 2000-2005
Diarist.net!
Designed by Gen
|