2005-01-11 - 7:06 a.m.
Snuggling up with my electronic friend
(I will catch up on everyone's diaries as I have the time; right now, it's a choice between reading or writing, and I want to write.) Television - Is there anything it can't do? ...to annoy me? I kid. I love my TV. Sometimes, when we're alone, I switch it on, and whisper sweet nothings to it, right up until the moment it zaps me with its vast store of static electricity. It makes my lips tingle just thinking about it. Oh yes, it's a relationship fraught with dangers, the one between me and my TV. But I love it anyway. For instance, Sunday night - I got to watch a whole line-up of new crime shows (I loves me a good crime show), punctuated by ads that use such an atrocious approximation of good grammar that I fear for the future of our country. But then, we didn't get great by parsing sentences - let the eggheads do that, we'll just go off and shoot somthing - we got great by being obnoxiously sure of our rightful place as leaders of the free world. You have to admit, when reaching for impossible heights, it pays to be stupid. That way, you can't second-guess yourself. ...But I was talking about TV, wasn't I? Specifically, advertising. Now, my work-fevered brain can't come up with an actual example of the terrible grammar I heard on Sunday, but I think that's because my mind has decided to protect itself by inducing a case of post-traumatic amnesia. (I *love* working in the field of brain injury - there's an explanation for everything.) (And the explanation is never "I am stupid and forgetful". Is that great, or what?) Er, yes - television. Now, I'm a big fan of using twenty words where one word will do (how else do you think I manage to write such erudite and witty (okay, okay, long) entries?), but even I know better than to try and use sentences that don't make a lick of sense. (Except where alcohol is involved, but that wasn't my fault - someone suggested we learn how to do "blow jobs" (doing shots without using your hands), and two bottles of fruit-flavoured rum disappears quicker than you think.) (Worst hangover I ever had - I *definitely* think the party isn't worth it if you need three days to recover.) (Or maybe it is.) *Anyway*. After the third ad/promo where I turned to Bob and said "that made *no* sense at all!", he made me leave the room while the commercials were on. So I mostly got nice Crime-Show Goodness. I love crime shows. I am unfailingly feeble at working out the actual solution to the plots, so it's all exciting to watch. I never get bored, and I can always be counted on to pick the one person who had absolutely *nothing* to do with the crime. Believe me, you really don't want me on your jury if you're the prosecutor, the judge, or random members of the courtroom. I might pick *you* as the real perpetrator. The only person that's safe is the actual defendant. I would never pick him - too obvious. Obviously, the spirit of Perry Mason runs strong within me. As Dave Barry points out, good ol' Perry never had to actually do any research for his trials; each episode, like clockwork, the *real* culprit would suddenly snap, stand up during a crucial moment of the trial, and say "I did it! That's right, it was me!". I think, if you have a tendency to commit crimes, then break under pressure even when it's applied to someone else (you sensitive evildoer, you), you probably shouldn't be attending the trial, or even hanging around the courthouse. Go ahead, go on vacation - if your crime was spectacular enough, you can read about the trial in the papers while sitting on a nice sunny beach, sipping a drink with a little umbrella in it. If you still feel like confessing, write an anonymous note to the papers that details everything you did (embellish for effect if your crime wasn't actually that exciting). Sit back and watch the hustle and bustle as the mistrial is declared, and the cops try to trace the origin of the letter. Make sure you send it using all the proper cold-trail techniques; it will make the fun last longer. See? Isn't that more fun than just blurting it out in the courtroom? If you play your cards right, they'll make a full-length *movie* of your life (if you're a woman, they'll show it on the Lifetime channel, but hey, at least they made a movie, right?). Speaking of the Lifetime channel, do any of you ever actually watch anything on it? I mean, it's supposed to be "television for women", but I can never find *anything* that sounds remotely appealing in their line-up (Oprah gives me hives). And how many "women in jeopardy" movies can you watch before going completely insane? I like TV, but I can't watch that channel - even when I try, my eyes roll up so far into my head (of their own accord, I *swear*) that I can no longer see the screen. I like Spike TV - "the network for men" - much better. They show many, many CSI episodes, James Bond movies, anything and everything from the oeuvre of Jerry Bruckheimer, and I can giggle at the ads more, whereas the ads on Lifetime just make me squinch up my mouth and go "Eeeeeewwwwww!" in a high squeaky voice. (Even when you are intimately familiar with the process, there are only so many Kotex ads you can watch before lunging for the remote. And I can't stand how perky the women are in those ads. I'm not perky - I'm a moody psychotic loner. ...and that's when I'm *not* hormonal.) Spike TV has much better ads, even if they do all appear to be aimed at a clientele of 15-year-olds with sub-genius IQs. Ads for guys don't have to be sensitive or enlightened, and the more dumb stuff that happens, the better. They're insulting to men and women, so they're pretty gender-equal, and there's nary a Kotex commercial in sight. I also don't have to sit through any of those "two lesbians eating yoghurt" commercials. You know the ones - "this is pedicure good", "no, this is *Botox injections* good!". I hate those commercials, not least because the white chick has the most unflattering haircut known to woman. She would actually look better if she had a buzz-cut - more butch, anyway. And that would look much funnier in the one where they're dressed as bridesmaids. I had a point, but I think I lost it. The TV sucked it out of my brain - no, no - the TV is *keeping* my brain, and the thing I'm using right now is actually a leftover memory chip from the PS2 - the TV's sleek little concubine favourite. Oh well - it's not like I need much more than one memory-chip's worth of brain anyway. Though it would be nice if the headache went away. Where's the "reset" button on this thing? Hi ho, hi ho... ho... ho.
Dorsal - Ventral
Funnier than me: James Lileks disclaimer!
all words copyright Laura Mellin 2000-2005
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