2005-01-31 - 3:12 p.m.
Mmmmm - Sacrelicious...
Okay - so Bob and I were watching "Robin Hood: Prince of (American-accented) Thieves (where everyone else has these extraordinary cockney accents, even though it's supposed to be the 12th Century in Sherwood, and cockney is an 18th Century London accent, but who am I to argue) (...and, you know, Sherwood is in the north bit of the middle of England, so everyone should have accents more like the characters in "The Full Monty) (and don't get me started on the clothes)". (Um, yes.) (Anyway.) So, we're watching a Kevin Costner movie (there wasn't much on, obviously), and it gets to the scene where the villagers (led by Christian Slater, and Lord knows, *he's* not exactly got an English accent either) all converge on Robin and his Merry Men Apparently Imported From 19th Century London, fully intending to beat the snot out of him. (An action I thoroughly approved of the first time I saw this movie, by the way.) Well, then Robin Costner calms them all down with a speech about uniting to face a common enemy, and blah blah blah, and it's supposed to be all deep and meaningful, but comes off trite and hackneyed because The Postman of Thieves really can't muster any facial emotion more compelling than "slightly worried that they will be out of poppyseed bagels at the snack table, and he's going to have to eat garlic bagels again, and Mary Elizabeth Mastroantonio is going to make faces at him again during the romantic stuff". You know the scene. He ends his rather bland little speech, and says "The Crusades taught me that". I looked at Bob, and he looked at me. "Everything I need to know..." I sez. "...I learned from the Crusades", sez Bob. Well - who can resist a challenge like that? (You *knew* the answer to that one, admit it. Confess, confess!) Forthwith: "Everything I Need to Know I learned From the Crusades", by Robert and Laura Mellin (authors of such inspirational tomes as "Dinty Moore for the Stick-Jock's Soul" and "More Dinty Moore for the Stick-Jock's Long-suffering Girlfriend's Soul", available nowhere near you). 1. Always wear sunscreen.
2. Rape, *then* slaughter.
3. Kill! Kill them all!
4. Pillage churches with lots of gold, not schoolhouses with lots of kids.
5. Camels last longer than horses.
6. But they spit a lot.
7. No, a LOT.
8. Sand gets everywhere.
9. They may be Infidels, but man, those swords are pointy.
10. You can get more with a kind word and a rampaging horde than you can with just a kind word.
11. Sand? Bloody everywhere. I mean it.
12. Su casa es *mi* casa.
13. Children do not make good Crusaders (they're too short to wear the tabards).
14. Support your local Templars.
15. If Henry VIII had gone on a Crusade, Anne Boleyn might be alive today.
16. But probably not.
17. Watch out for that sand!
18. Don't leave your helmet in the sun.
19. Dammit, Henri, your flea-bitten camel spit in my ale again!
20. I mean it about the sunscreen.
Dorsal - Ventral
Funnier than me: James Lileks disclaimer!
all words copyright Laura Mellin 2000-2005
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