2005-01-27 - 8:02 a.m.
Pep Talk? Who am I kidding?
You know, I think about sitting down at the computer when I'm at home and slamming out a quick entry just to let people know I'm alive, but often as not, something else catches my attention, and I wander off. I think I'm scared of my home computer. Well, the e-mail, at least. I go through stages where I get exhausted just thinking about reading my e-mail, and where I just want to curl up with my immediate projects and put everyone else on ignore. Not because I'm mad at anyone or anything, just because I don't want to deal with people. I've done this all my life - I have to be in the mood for company. It's nothing personal, it's just the way I am. It's such a fundamental part of my personality that I don't think I can change it, though I've done a good job of changing a lot of other things about me that a lazier person would excuse as "just the way I am". I hate that excuse. That excuse really means "You can't get offended or mad at me, even though I'm too lazy to tailor my actions or words in an appropriate manner - it's just the way I am". If I can make the extreme effort to curb my tactless Sagittarian nature (oh, My. God - was I a tactless person as a teenager), then other people can think before opening their mouths too. I really do have a hard time understanding why people wilfully make their lives more difficult, because I don't see what they get out of it. I guess pissing other people off doesn't work as a life goal for me. Leaning in a different direction, I tend to get even more annoyed with fictional characters, especially on the TV shows I like to watch. For instance, "Lost". I enjoy this series - I originally thought "Wow - how are they going to make this interesting for more than two episodes?", but they've actually made it quite entertaining - except for the fact that no-one communicates! Bob keeps telling me that the lack of communication is the whole point, but I guess I'm too pragmatic to understand why anyone would choose to live that way. Especially the guy that deliberately tries to piss everyone else off - what does he get out of that? It's too alien to my nature to fathom why someone would willingly, *knowingly*, behave in that manner. I'm usually pretty good with people - I understand motivations, I am aware of the different meanings words have for different people, and I get why people do a lot of things (and it's almost never really about the person they've just pissed off; that person is usually just an innocent bystander to the trainwreck of someone else's life). But it *kills* me to see people remain deliberately obtuse about their own motivations. Self-knowledge opens you up to a number of good things; for one, it allows you to honestly know when you're being an asshole, or when someone else is projecting their personal issues onto you. I get some of that - apparently my English reserve provides a blank slate for other people to project personal anxieties and dissatisfaction. I've been accused of all sorts of personality quirks that really have nothing to do with me. I have learned to be okay with this, because even in the dark hours of the night, I can look at myself and be okay with what I find. I'm not perfect, by any means, but I value even the painful parts of self-knowledge. I meet so many people who blame their lack of success (as they define it) on other people, especially in the SCA (because I spend more time there, not because SCA people are any more broken than the average person). But no-one else can be responsible for the success you gain, especially in a *hobby* - if you're good, there will be more people that will acknowledge your talent than there will be people who try to keep you down. (Despite what certain people have accused me of, it is not possible for any one person to hold another person back from realizing their potential.) (*ahem*. That was an illuminating conversation, let me tell you.) (Heh. I'm evil, but I'm not that powerful, honest.) (But believe what you will, no skin off my nose.) I am no longer into New Year's Resolutions (it's more of an ongoing thing than a once-a-year burst of energy), but if I could, I would make one for my friends (because my friends are more likely to listen to me): The only person you compete with is yourself. The only person responsible for your success is yourself. The only person who can keep you down is yourself. No-one else can stop you, if you are determined enough. Find that determination, and reach your full potential. It may not happen this year or next year, but if you're strong, and self-aware, it will happen. Potential is a terrible thing to waste.
Dorsal - Ventral
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all words copyright Laura Mellin 2000-2005
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