2005-02-15 - 10:12 a.m.
Has the all-clear sounded yet?
So - I think it's safe to come out of the shelters, people. The only risk now from Valentine's Day is that you'll be buried under an avalanche of stale candy while dumpster-diving out behind the Dollar Store. (That would be the candy from three years ago - they'll drag out this year's and last year's unsold hazelnut-praline sugar crap and try to sell it to desperate husbands next year.) (I kid, I kid. I love you, Dollar Store - please don't sue me.) I had the embarrassing thing happen to me this year that the Valentine worm got into my brain and started saying "Hmmm - you know, three dozen roses seems like an excellent way to blow $300". I blame the "Jared Galleria of Evil" ads for this. Those things were particularly insidious and insulting this year. ...Though I had to applaud the use of "99 Red Balloons" in an ad for... well, crap. I can't actually remember what it was for - jewelery I think -
I was so struck by the completely unironic use of a song about nuclear annihilation in a mushy romantic ad that the actual product it was hawking was completely lost on me. Nice song, though. Especially in the original German. This does prove however, that we don't create this massive overblown expectation of February 14th on our own - I have a husband who writes me poetry - poetry, people! - and it's pretty good stuff. Why do I suddenly feel a need for a bunch of overpriced flora and a Godiva-shaped box of sugar (expecially when I'm not that much of a chocolate eater to begin with)? I'll tell you why. In the darkest hours of the night, representatives of Hallmark crept into my room and implanted the dreaded "teddy-bear"" chip into my brain. From a remote
location, they are now able to induce a mad desire for really worthless tokens of affection that can't hold a candle to the things my sweetie has done for me completely out of the blue. (That whole meeting me at the airport and flying home first class with me because he missed me when I spent a month in England a couple of years ago, for instance.) (I'm sorry, but a teddy bear with a magnet in its nose just really can't compete.) But yesterday was a nasty grey rainy day, work was irritating (and I'm spending today taking HIPAA refresher courses on a computer that has to think very hard before responding), and the evil chip managed to take over half my brain waves before I realized what was going on. Fortunately, my head is still sufficiently gummed up with disgusting wads of phlegm that the transmitter waves were slowed enough for me to be able to pound my head against a wall until the thoughts stopped. (By the way, the pounding also works very well when the voices start suggesting "alternative problem-solving".) So we ordered a romantic Stuffed Crust Hawaiian pizza and watched that most romantic of movies, "The Day After Tomorrow". I can't think of anyone I'd rather be frozen to death with, sweetie. Happy unValentine's Day.
Dorsal - Ventral
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