2005-07-27 - 10:13 a.m.
What is that *smell*?!
I plan to market Meat Pets[tm]. I'm thinking pork chop-sized Beanie like things, but instead of fuzzy fabric, they'll be made of ecologically sound, biodegradable ground beef. ...mind you, eventually they're going to get pretty fuzzy anyway, so those of you that *insist* on fuzzy toys will just have to buy one and wait a bit. The first five will be limited edition, confined to as many as I can make out of 7 pounds of ground round. This will ensure their collectibility, and I won't be out too much money if this business venture fails miserably like every other thing I've tried to sell (who knew there wasn't a market for exploding gum balls?). Haven't you always wanted a pet you can squeeze, but don't have to feed or clean up after (much)? Cuter than a Cabbage Patch doll, less work than a Tamagotchi, and cheaper than a first edition Beanie Baby - meet the new family of Meat Pets[tm]! Porky the Panda - cutest of the bunch, Porky likes nibbling on bamboo shoots and drying up to a slightly crisp consistency when left out on the counter too long. Recommended wine: A bottle of merlot big enough to need a handle. E Coli the Elephant - E never forgets that he's your loyal friend. He likes to sleep on your pillow at night, but watch out for his slight oozing problem! Recommended antibiotic: Broad spectrum for staph-resistant bacteria. Meatloaf the Moose - the largest of the set, "Meaty" is completely poseable, and can be smooshed into any shape desired. He likes to play "hamburger", but keep him out of the frying pan! Recommended cooking oil: High-temperature soybean. Lumpy the Llama - Lumpy is spiced with delicate South American herbs, adding exotic flavour and smell to any toy box! Lumpy also comes in a special one-L edition, made completely of vegan-safe tofu. Recommended attitude: One hand clapping leaves one hand free for other things. and finally, Sausage the Snake - Sausage is always obliging, and can be displayed anywhere in the room, thanks to his slightly moist consistency that allows him to adhere to almost any surface. He's a fun-loving pet, and can easily absorb small objects like marbles, toy soldiers, and little Bobby's hamster for that authentic "snake eating small helpless animals" experience. Recommended emetic: Syrup of Ipecac, on ice. Meat Pets[tm]! Buy them all! Buy lots! And don't forget to buy the special Meat Pets[tm] super-concentrated air freshener! Meat Pets are not available in California, Rhode Island, and basically anywhere near children. MeatPets Inc. (a subsidiary of Beelzebub LLC) does not take responsibility for any cases of death, dismemberment, or nausea associated with use of this product.
Dorsal - Ventral
Funnier than me: James Lileks disclaimer!
all words copyright Laura Mellin 2000-2005
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