2005-10-25 - 6:14 a.m.
Another evening of TV smooching
I've decided the only way I'm going to be consistent about writing here is to do it first thing in the morning - after my coffee, but before I settle down to work. (It's more for my benefit than yours, since I can use the discipline, but you get caught in the backwash, so everybody wins, right? Right.) Since writing every day (well, at least four days a week) means that I need a subject, I tend to look at many things with a more critical eye than I used to, and fortunately, there's always one thing that is an endless source of amusement. No, not zombies; I'm talking about my first and greatest love-*hate* relationship: TV. Television is the greatest thing ever (except for Bob ...and zombies), even though I didn't watch that much all through my childhood (hey - three channels for most of it, and the fourth channel they put in had programmes of such highbrow pretentiousness that SNL's "Dieter's Dance Party" made absolute and perfect sense the first time I saw it, and I had flashbacks for weeks). While I was allowed to watch TV (except when at Bamburgh, during meals, in the morning, and any time I was supposed to be practicing piano or doing homework), I was a multitasker even then, and tended to read while watching, or hang upside down off the sofa and see how long I could go without bursting a blood vessel. When we moved to the US, I first met American TV in all its multi-channel glory - and the clouds opened, golden light streamed down, and angels started to sing the first verse of the "He-Man" theme song in twelve part harmony, (except for the bit where Gabriel yells "I have the power!", since that's the solo line). I watched afternoon cartoons obsessively throughout my adolescent years - I can even muster nostalgic feelings for "Captain Planet" (done with the voice of Margot Kidder after that bad incident with the total psychotic break where she disappeared for a while, then was discovered directing traffic in downtown Bombay, or something). I used to be able to recite all the afternoon PSAs from memory, especially the one with the father with the amazingly cheesy mustache whose kid accuses him of being a hypocrite because he smokes pot, too (though I think Dad's resemblance to a '70s porn star would be more worrying to an image-conscious teen of the 1980s than a little reefer). I think the lesson on that one was that you should share stuff with your kids, but I was hopped up on the marshmallows from the Lucky Charms cereal box, so I'm not entirely sure. (once my mother figured out I was *only* eating the marshmallows, she refused to buy any more. Pity - the cereal sucked, but the freeze-dried marshmallows were yummy.) These days, I'd like to say I'm much more discriminating about what I choose to watch, and that I only watch highbrow things like PBS (other than "Sesame Street", which is really fun dubbed into Serbo-Croatian), and the more boring shows on the Bravo channel, but I'd be lying. If there's a cheesy "America's Wildest Police Chases" (known in our house as "America's Funniest Police Beatings") show on, I'm there. My favourite channel is Spike ("the network for men"), so I guess I'm a lowbrow traitor to my gender as well as a chick with no taste. I *love* Spike. They have a show called "Extreme Elimination Challenge" (MXC), which is terrifyingly funny, and rather hard to explain, seeing as it's a completely unfaithfully dubbed version of a Japanese game show (that manages to get within inches of actual torture, but uses completely willing participants) turned into an insane sports show with two hosts, several crazy helpers, and the kind of creativity you usually get after a three-day cocaine bender without any sleep. Trust me - if you're a guy, you'd probably really like this show (I can't vouch for the girls, seeing as I'm not very girly and the "Lifetime Network for Women" gives me hives). I am a diehard fan of "America's Wildest Police Chases", though. From the first cheesy moments of the highly amusing introduction, where they tell you they're showing all these videos as some sort of public service, and no, they don't do it for the ratings or the money, no sir, to the last goofy voiceover that admonishes you to stay away from speeding police chases, it's pure fool's gold. I've also discovered a show called "Maximum Exposure", which manages to insult pretty much everyone in every show (their show about why you don't want to visit any foreign country ever was a xenophobic classic), and which, of course, I *love*, because you can't get entertainment like that watching "Survivor" (unless they started killing the participants, which I assume they'll be doing next season, since they've done just about everything else). I mean, where else can you see a prairie dog vacuum at work (I have never laughed so hard at a "foomp!" noise in my life, even as I was screaming about the poor little P-dogs being severely discombobulated - but physically unharmed), a flaming gas tanker being put out by immensely creative firemen, and a bunch of drunk British people on vacation in Spain competing to make the most grape juice in four minutes by shoving bunches of grapes down their swimsuits and crushing them by sitting on a chair with a bucket underneath? (The loser had to drink the winner's juice.) (Nope, I have nothing to say about that.) Moving on (aren't you glad?), I really do like reality shows, but not the crap fake cut and spliced ones they show on network TV. For instance, I'm addicted to Animal Planet's "Animal Precinct/Cops" series; horribly abused animals getting rescued and finding good homes (or dying). The shows where they seize animals from severely mentally ill "collectors" comfort me with the knowledge that sure, I have a pile of clothes on my bedroom chair that I haven't put away, but at least I don't have cat poop everywhere. There's also A&E's "City Confidential" (not quite as cool since Paul Winfield died, but they show lots of re-runs), where they interview people who have some truly interesting takes on the truth (especially the defense lawyers, but the interviews with the perps are the best), and you get to see what small towns in rural places that you'd never visit do for fun on a Saturday night (drink beer, mostly). (Bob knows the people involved in one of the episodes, so it's even more fun, because I'm getting all the background info, too. For instance, they never actually come out and say "This man was a total asshole and deserved what he got", but Bob will.) I don't watch as much regular network TV, though "Lost", "The West Wing" the "Law and Order", and the "CSI:" franchises are always on the list (when I can catch them; two nights out of the week are activity intensive, so the TV must sit, silent and reproachful, in the corner). I love crime shows, except when they make the people do stupid things that would *never* fly in real life just to add somewhat pointless side plots. I am a "Good must always win" kind of girl (so it shouldn't be too surprising that I tend to avoid introspective grown-up movies where no-one really wins), and when it doesn't, as occasionally happens in these shows, it makes me rather depressed. "CSI:Miami" did that last night - not only did the bad guy get away, he did it with the help of a judge who a) shouldn't have reviewed the case since it was in another jurisdiction, and b) would have been ripped to shreds by any prosecutor worth his salt (instead of the one in the show that just stood there like a mouth-breather). It annoys me when they do that. It's unsatisfying. Real life has enough miserable things happen where the good guys don't always win; I don't need to see it in a fictional series, too. It leaves me cross and annoyed with the characters, the script writes, and the director; a sort of "Justice Interruptus", and who needs that? Not me. Dial me up some police chases; I'm going in.
Dorsal - Ventral
Funnier than me: James Lileks disclaimer!
all words copyright Laura Mellin 2000-2005
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