2005-11-03 - 8:07 a.m.
Drama is bad, m'kay? Don't do drama.
This is irrefutable proof that God exists, and he loves me very very much. Go on. Click on the link to "Banger Rolls". See the puff pastry-wrapped links of ambrosia and tell me you're not moved to tears. (Okay, maybe that's just me.) Like many others lately, I've been trying to get the drama out of my life. This is made harder by the recent discovery that drama is an addictive substance that will take over your life if you're not careful. Authorities on the matter (including members of the illustrious Completely Able to Lie Motionless Society [CALMS]) suggest tapering off the drama slowly - going cold turkey will result in unpleasant side-effects such as Dramaticus Tremens (DTs) that cause the fingers to start moving independently of the brain, resulting in inflammatory messages sent to public e-mail lists that result in super-huge-mega drama hits for all involved. Tapering off allows the natural drama-reducing enzymes in the body to start working properly again, and to heal the drama-deficient connections in the brain, replacing the drama receptors with more healthy I-don't-give-a-shit receptors that produce natural antibodies (D-cells) to harmful levels of drama. For those who think that just a little hit won't hurt, and that they can stop any time, CALMS (who decided that a cool acronym was more important than a name that made any sense, and anyway, they often sleep in, so lying motionless sort of makes sense [WDTACAWMITANTMASAATOSISLMSOMS]) would like to emphasize that even the smallest amount of drama can prove lethally addictive. Case studies include a patient who wrote one e-mail and was found a week later underneath a three-foot stack of incriminating printouts kept "just for future reference", and a patient who had to be sedated after insisting that she could "handle it, and those bastards aren't going to get away with it again". Since those in the grip of full-blown drama addiction are keen to get everyone around them addicted to the drug, it is sometimes hard to "Just say NO", but remember that no matter how much they push it on you, you are free to refuse at any time, and any accusations of selfishness are simply sneaky attempts to give you drama without your consent or knowledge. Please, for the sake of everyone, stay away from drama. I know that I'm speaking as a recovering addict, but that means that I know how it is, I've been there. Those late night phone sessions, the whispers behind closed doors, the sick feeling in your stomach as you hit the "send" button - I've experienced it all. Getting clean was the best thing I ever did for myself - I know I'll always be susceptible to the drug, but I take it one day at a time. ...It's been at least 12 hours; that's long enough to work it through, right? I think I can look at it and not get involved. There's this party I want to go to, and I know there's going to be drama handed around there, but I've kicked the habit; I'm strong. I can handle it. ...Maybe just a little hit. A little second-hand drama from someone else; that won't hurt. I can take it once and be okay - it's not like I'm addicted or anything, I can manage fine without it. Oh, yeah. That's niiiiice. Tell me more. Really? They did WHAT? Okay, here's what I think you should do... Ah, crap.
Dorsal - Ventral
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all words copyright Laura Mellin 2000-2005
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