2006-04-20 - 9:18 a.m.
Growing old disgracefully
Bob got a fabulously stupid ad for a book the other day. Fabulous. It's the "Guide to Life after 50,60,70 & beyond for Dummies". Bob gets ads for old people stuff all the time - to be honest, I do, too. Once you pass that dreaded age 35 mark, you're in the demographic that advertisers seem to think only care about retirement homes and their colon (and the relative health thereof). Despite the fact that we keep shredding these things and sending them to the AARP with loving letters to desist with the scary old people stuff, we keep getting them. Hence the ad (not the book, just the ad, in handy booklet form, because there's just so *much* good stuff they have to go on and on about it for 42 pages) for what would be more honestly called "Geezerhood for Dummies". It has to be for Dummies, this book - the title alone makes me descend into a grammar and stylistic writing rage ("write rage"). The "Guide to Life after Beyond" just doesn't make sense, you know? I know you know. Just like I know. We know. And it hurts, the knowing. You know? I particularly like the teaser on the cover of the booklet: "You've paid your dues and now it's time to CASH in! Find out how to get the BEST of everything... FREE!" You know, like Medicaid and stuff. Alas, the booklet does not give you the information on how to get the book for free, as the freeloading only goes so far as money your undeserving self can leech from the Government, not giving their own product away for free. They keep emphasizing that this book will not be sold in any stores, and we all know they're lying. Two years from now, this book will be on the bookshelf next to "Home Taxidermy for Dummies", "Spree Killing for Dummies", and "Anal Probes for Dummies". Anything that "will not be sold in stores!" finds its way onto Amazon's list within three seconds of publication, even if it's as patronizingly stupid as this one. Mind you, the *whole* "Dummies" series is also patronizingly stupid, and I wish I'd thought of it first. As P.T. Barnum (or someone like him) said, "You'll never go broke underestimating the intelligence of the general public". And if he didn't, he should have, because these bastards made billions telling people exactly how stupid they are. But back to our particular little tome of magical secrets made available to Dummies for the very first time. Well, actually, for the *second* time; a perusal of the booklet reveals that this book is a compilation of "over 3,700 of the BEST "over-50" secrets taken from the bestselling *For Dummies* book series". In a masterful stroke, the editors of the "Dummies" books have now told you that you're too stupid to even go look up the stuff in *their own books*, so they're going to look it all up for you. And charge you $24 (plus shipping and handling, because this book is NOT SOLD IN STORES) for the service. *Damn*, I *really* wish I'd thought of this first. These guys are *geniuses*. While the booklet is filled with all sorts of teasers to make you panic about your health and well-being, my favourite part is where they tell you how to spend your retirement. They mention the "paying your dues" bit again (whatever that means - it's not Social Security, because the average person gets that paid back within a few years of retirement, then starts getting more than they paid in), and give you... Expensive kitchen equipment you can get for "cheap" (but still three times what you'd pay for an egg beater at Target), so you can torture your spouse with rock-hard omelets (because you still haven't learned that he/she is allergic to eggs, despite being married for 40 years). The BEST golf balls, and the BEST golf clubs for beginners (personally, I think if you didn't play golf all your life, you're not suddenly going to develop a mad passion for it just because you're retired). The BEST dating secrets when you're over 50 (date someone younger than you, presumably. Better get rid of that spouse first). The BEST marriage you ever hoped for! "How to make it work... and make is fresh as new when you're over 50" (in case dating other people doesn't work out as well as you hoped). And RVs, digital cameras, antiques, binoculars (for bird-watching. Uh-huh), web sites for shopping, computer, and power tools. Spend your money now, so your children don't fight over their inheritance! You've paid your dues, make the little bastards pay theirs! Nothing comes for free (unless it's coming to YOU because you bought the book)! Let me save you some money if you're thinking about buying this over-hyped tome: It's basically all about money and health care (The only two things old people think about, supposedly). All the advice in this book can be found for free on the Intarweb. Or in their other books. You'd have to be a Dummy to buy this one. No doubt their sales will be *huge*.
Dorsal - Ventral
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