2005-10-27 - 9:11 a.m.
It's Super!
My nails are newly manicured, and I think I've found my new favourite pearlized pale pink - it's a Cover Girl shade called "rose quartz". I think I wore the lipstick version of this colour all during the '80s. (...and a bad perm, and clothes that looked like I'd mugged Stevie Nicks.) Does anyone else remember the really pale lipstick craze? Girls running around in day-glo neon, sporting lips that looked like white-wall tires. Scary stuff. Speaking of scary stuff, it's starting to be the time of year where we get a mailbox full of catalogues for every gift known to man. Some companies send us a catalogue every other day, some are more persistent. Figi's and The Swiss Colony are apparently death matching it out for my money this year; I order from both (yummy red velvet petit fours on the one hand, amazing baby Swiss cheese on the other), but I tend to order more from The Swiss Colony catalogue (and that's only because I can't afford to buy all the food I want from the Norm Thompson catalogue). It's not Christmas without fruitcake for some people; for us, it's not Christmas unless we're buried under fifty million catalogues of stuff I would really only buy if I was in need of new things to shoot at down at the farm. We get a number of good ones, too; in fact, we get so many multiples, that if anyone reading this is looking for something obscure and aren't really sure where to find it, let me know. I can probably send you the website for some catalogue company or other that has just the thing you're looking for. Our post office sometimes makes the catalogue perusal even more interesting by putting completely random catalogues addressed to other people in our mailbox. Normally, it's not a big deal - it's fairly common for all of us to get mail that's for someone else in the complex, because the mailman is somewhat casual in his delivery methods. We all just stick misdirected mail above the mailboxes with "wrong address, you moron" written on it. Last week, though, I got a catalogue addressed to a Super 8 Motel manager (no specific name, just "general manager") from the Super 8 Motel company. Call me dim if you will, but I'd never really realized that you could order so *many* things with the charming Super 8 Motel logo on them. There are so many treasures in this catalogue that I have all my Christmas presents completely taken care of for this year without even having to leave my house to go to the Dollar Store. For instance, clothes. I'm sure many people on my list would be *delighted* with a full-zip fleece jacket, a v-neck hoodie, or any one of many, many unattractive styles (that I'm sure the actual employees of the hotel are forced to purchase out of their own money) available; even if they don't work at a Super 8, they'll be able to declare their brand loyalty wherever they go! (...Actually, a lot of the clothes and accessories they offer are made of fleece. Personally, I think it's a bad idea to sell a product for inflated prices that has the name "fleece" built right in.) Okay, so maybe clothes aren't the right thing for gifts, anyway. Honestly, they're kind of boring, and they always remind you of the time Great-Aunt Hoobie gave you what appeared to be a really cool Lego pirate set, but it turned out that she'd used the Lego box (that she found in a dumpster) to hold ten pairs of tighty-whiteys and a pair of Batman Underoos "just for fun". For your 30th birthday. On the other hand, a set of Super 8 room key cards could be just the thing for hours of fun - walk in, hand the key to the desk clerk and say "room 118. My key doesn't work" and see if they fix it for you without asking for ID or checking that you're actually a guest. You can also order the little paper key card holders, for more authenticity - at only 7 cents each per 1,000, it's good cheap fun. Now here's a gift for the rabid anti-smoker in your life - little stand-up "no smoking" signs. You can get 100 for less than $25, so they can have a ball putting up signs *everywhere*. Hours of fun for you and some heavily sedated friends. They have all sorts of signs for other needs, too - perfect for annoying houseguests who treat your home like a hotel even though there is no maid to pick up after them. You can decorate your entire guest room with custom-made signs that say "no maid service on weekends", and "breakfast available in the lobby - of the nearest McDonalds". The classic "clean up after yourself - your mother doesn't live here" takes on special ironic significance when your parents come to stay! Extend the illusion to the guest bathroom, where you can furnish your guests with the cheapest Super 8 soap they sell. They even sell toilet seat bands - see if you can put enough bands on at once to prevent anyone from using the toilet so that the facilities stay pristine forever! (They also sell a bunch of other nicer toiletries, but every Super 8 I've ever stayed at was run by cheap bastards who didn't even put shampoo in the rooms.) Even if you can't think of anyone whom you'd actually consider buying a Christmas gift, there's no law that says you can't treat yourself to the many delights the Super 8 catalogue has to offer - they have an entire page of cheesy photo prints perfect for decorating your home. You can either pick a print of the State you live in, or a print of a much nicer, more fun State that your guests probably wish they were visiting instead! (They have customizable stress balls, too. I imagine they're more useful to the host than the guests.) Finally, the people who always hate whatever you give them - why not just go with the flow and save many agonizing hours of shopping time by buying them a gift you *know* they're going to hate? There are Super 8 golf balls and tees, pens, pencils, plastic bags (in bulk, for that aunt of yours whom you're pretty sure will end up a bag lady), lapel pins, balloons, Super 8 stickers... ...ice scrapers, letter openers, pens, key chains, coffee mugs, baseball caps, squeeze bottles, car decals, can coolers, ties, robes, blankets, match books, and best of all, a Super 8 logo leather bomber jacket. In fact, the only thing they don't seem to have is Gideon Bibles, but you can just steal one of those. Trust me, your friends will be amazed. (I'm sure those are tears of joy.) You can even get a logo gift bag.
Dorsal - Ventral
Funnier than me: James Lileks disclaimer!
all words copyright Laura Mellin 2000-2005
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