2006-03-14 - 9:26 a.m.
Oh, HELL no!
The fashion apocalypse is upon us, and I saw one of its infernal horsemen last night. Now, you all (well, most of you, anyway) know that I love the old clothes I get at thrift stores, and the cheaper antique stores. I love the wacky '70s dresses, and will on occasion even trot them out for a party. I do not believe that taffeta is over, nor do I think a '40s cocktail dress, a '50s beaded cardigan and crinolines, fishnet tights paired with differently hued fishnet ankle socks and a pair of '80s Victorian-style Enzo Angiolini boots is a hideous mish-mash of fugly; on the contrary, I thought it looked rather good when I wore it to the Tori Amos concert Pit Boss, Knuckles and I went to last year. In fact, I'm usually pretty confident about my look - barring those days when I'm dragging myself from sofa to bed and back again because the migrain/pain/sinus ick/whatever has me in its clutches, I can be pretty sure that whenever I go out, I will not be worried that the paparazzi will be snapping photos of me doing a fair imitation of Britney Spears. Yes, my look can be out of synch with the current fashion trends, but most of the time it suits me fairly well. (I also have a husband who will generally not let me out of the house when I'm in a really unflattering outfit. Weird, yes, but not unflattering. Bless him.) However, vintage lover that I am, lover of '80s fashions even, there are some things that I would be happy to consign forever to the Great Black Hole of Things That Should Never Be Brought Back, Ever. Ever, Ever. No, We Mean It. These Things Were Wildly Unflattering The First Time, Why Would You Even Think Resurrecting Them Is A Good Idea, You Moron. You know, trends like really big hair and the dress Charlize Theron wore to the Oscars. Which are, of course, *exactly* the horrors which are currently popping up. Why, oh sweet Lord, why? I found out last night that one of the most hideous things that made the '80s the fashion laughing stock that it in some ways truly deserved to be has been resurrected and is lurching its rotting carcass through the fashion aisles of Target. The Bubble Skirt. The sad bunch of annoying fabric that passed for fashionable and made the prom pictures of millions of '80s high school seniors fodder for the mocking laughter of their children. I was okay with some things coming back, however briefly. Leg warmers I could handle - I was even glad of their soft warmth while the weather was so cold I wanted to die every time I set foot outside. Crop tops I kind of like, since I'm really really short, and crop tops look almost normal length on me. Even the multiple layers hobo look can be made to look okay when all you wear is black. But there is nothing you can do with a bubble skirt, even a fairly deflated one, like the ones in Target (I shudder to think what will be turning up elsewhere). They're horrible - they make you look fat (especially when paired with the fitted top), they always end at a bad length, they don't swirl nicely (which is one of the keys to making a bulky skirt look graceful), nor are they sleek and elegant like a fitted skirt. They take the worst aspects of loose and fitted skirts, and combine them in such a way that anyone larger than Mary-Kate Olsen looks like a baby elephant. There is nothing good I can say about bubble skirts. They were horrible in the '80s, and they're horrible now. I thought once everyone got over the dreadful late '70s wholemeal chic revival (updated to include hip huggers so low that a Brazilian wax was required, all artificial fibres, and price tags so outrageous that a poncho could actually be priced over $500), we'd move on to the boxy/sleek Japanese chic thing or perhaps an update of the late '40s/ early '50s vintage Juvenile Delinquent James Dean tailored look, not the worst of '80s prom night. Bubble skirts. I mean, really. Fuck fashion, I'm sticking to my vintage wardrobe.
Dorsal - Ventral
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