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2006-08-01 - 8:46 a.m.
Drive, dammit!
Well, today started just hunky-dory. I managed to turn my alarm off in my sleep (after getting about four hours of actual sleep, but that's normal for me), and overslept by fifteen minutes - which doesn't sound like much, but makes a huge dent in my travel time as it puts me past the time when the lights change over from flashing orange to normal, and all the trucks hit the road at 5:15am, and man, do they drive sloooow. Also, since the trucks are all out and about, the drivers who are scared little wimps all hide in the left lane on I-95 and all drive no faster than they would in the middle lanes, so it extends my commute a wee tad. Plus, I came out this morning and realized I didn't put my gas cap back on after filling up yesterday. I've *never* done that, so I can only blame the heat (yes, I'm an ozone-producing fiend, filling up mid-day in the heat, but filling up in the heat is better than running out of gas in the heat). Fortunately, AutoZone has the cap I need, so no biggie, except that the car smells like gasoline for a very short while when I turn the air-conditioning on (if this has nothing to do with the missing gas cap and means that my car is about to explode, somebody tell me, please. I haven't worn the embroidered jacket nearly enough times to be okay with dying right now). But back to the highway. The left lane on I-95 is really a little realm unto itself at 5am; everyone stays out of it but the fast drivers (all six of us), and people are delightfully polite (yes, even me) at that time of the morning, getting out of the way when a faster car comes along, not tailgating (much), and no dodging in and out of traffic, cutting other drivers (and trucks - how stupid is that?) off. It's a friendly place. Unlike the afternoon, when the idiots come out. Now, I don't drive at rush hour (I come in to work at 5:30am for a reason), but that means I get the people in the left lane who are afraid to drive at rush hour poking along. I don't know why they're afraid - at rush hour, the average speed on I-95 is roughly 30 mph, much "safer" than the scary 70-80mph average in the left lane at other times. (Yes, the speed limit is 65, but please. It's the extreme left lane of a major highway. As long as you're moving with traffic, it's no skin off anyone's nose.) Anyway. The delicate dance of I-95 - I have a few thoughts: 1. Please don't drive in the fast lane if you're not prepared to match the general speed of traffic. If you're deliberately driving the speed limit because you're a self-righteous bastard who's going to show all the rest of us how we're supposed to drive, I hope you get in front of a cop some day. He'll be delighted by your law-abiding smugness, I'm sure. 2. If you're scared of merging, please practice. Coming to a dead stop in the merge lane is *incredibly* dangerous. This goes double for left-lane merges. To the woman who thought that coming to a stop then driving incredibly slowly was going to teach me a lesson about not using my horn to remind you that people behind you wanted to merge too, I hope you get eaten by rabid groundhogs. 3. Don't dodge in and out of traffic. Moving around slower cars is fine if there's room, but please don't cut me off so you can get one car length ahead. And never mind doing that to me (though your faith in my brakes is touching), if you do that to a truck too often, you're going to find out what inertia really means. They maintain a distance between them and the car in front so *they* have time to brake, not so you can wedge yourself in and then slam on *your* brakes. 4. If you drive a big SUV, please learn to use your mirrors properly. Glancing in your rear-view mirror will not let you see that I am actually beside you in my small car, and have been for a while because I have nowhere else to go. If you want to be in my lane, wait for me to remove myself from the space you're yearning to occupy. 5. Get off your phone, especially in the fast lane. You can't drive with that phone to your ear, trust me - I watch you every day, speeding up and slowing down (sometimes *under* the speed limit), weaving, sliding over into the lane next to you, and generally pissing off everyone around you. Get a hands-free set, or better yet, wait. You, you, and *especially* you, are simply not that important. There are very few phone calls that can't wait until you reach your destination. 6. All of you get out of my lane. Yes, I drive fast, but I won't tailgate, and I refuse to cut you off. If there is plenty of room to your right, and you see me coming up behind you, please think about moving over. Yes, I can go around you, but why are you driving slow in the fast lane? It's for passing, not noodling along. 7. The speed limit is 65. Please, *please* don't slow down to 55 when you see a cop on the median. Believe me, he's getting a really good laugh out of all you idiots doing 10 miles below the speed limit in the fast lane (though not as good a laugh as when they see me at the back, calling all of you idiots and making faces). 8. If your turn signal is on, I assume you want to come into my lane. If I am behind you, I will let you in, but please don't abuse my goodwill by leaving your turn signal on for five minutes without doing anything, then trying to change lanes at the *exact* moment I am passing you. You have mirrors all around, so please use them - you are not the only person out here. 9. Okay, so you hate all other drivers, and make this known by tailgating, cutting people off, and deliberately slowing down if someone honks at you because you're driving like an idiot. Please stay off the road - you're a hazard to everyone, and you're going to cause multiple accidents. Do everyone a favour and stay home before you cause a fatal one. and finally, 10. Dip your damn lights when you are right behind me. I have my own lights - I don't need yours on highbeam to help me see the road ahead. Of course, what do I know - I'm a gas-cap losing, ten-year-old car driving, ozone-layer-destroying female speed hog. Oh, and that gesture I made as I drove by your self-righteous driving-55-in-the-fast-lane ass? It's not the bird - it's either the ASL for "idiot", or the ASL for "asshole". It depends.
Dorsal - Ventral
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